Trending

 It seems like being estranged from your parents or your children is really a trending thing right now.  I don't really understand that particular thing generally, but it seems to be a hot topic all over different forms of social media.

Some people complain that their parents don't step up to the plate enough in ways of showing up, or being there for their adult children such as providing free child care, cleaning their houses for them, and the list goes on and all.  While others complain that their parents (and let's face it we mean MOMS) are to involved, that they want to be in the room when their grandchildren are born, or they are always showing up uninvited.

It seems to just go back to the same thing, mom shaming.  These same moms were shamed for being to harsh, or being to soft with their kids by other moms such as their own mothers, grandmothers, and just random other moms and dads, or just people in general like strangers.  We never could do anything right when we were in the thick of it.  Now that our kids are grown, we still can't do anything right.

We lived out lives, doing the best we could at the time just trying to survive life, like they are now, raising kids, working a full time job, managing relationships with men and women.  Trying to have fun with the kids and without them.  And now, we are still being shamed for the same thing.

In my own life, right now, I keep my mouth shut for the most part and do not call people out for their mistreatment of me, because who am I to say how someone feels.  Having said that, I wish they thought the same way-because how are they to criticize me not knowing, just thinking they know, me!?

It all boils down to, we can never make people happy.  They have to be happy on their own.  We can show up in the only ways we are able to.  If that isn't good enough for people, they just have to figure it out and grow up and stop blaming the moms for everything.  It's ridiculous actually!

I want to just live my life, doing things that I enjoy.  If you're not getting what you want out of your older parents it's probably because they do not enjoy it and you should really look inward and figure out if you're the reason! I can tell you from my own experience that I do not go around people, I don't care who they are, if they make me feel like crap.  I don't need to be analyzed and asked "what do you do to make them treat you that way?" because my actions are curated to keep the peace, so if someone is behaving a certain way-that is totally on them!  And again, leave moms alone-just freaking let us live.

I want peace, joy and happiness daily!  Not conflict and misery!

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A Letter to my Dad

 Dear Dad,

I love you dad for all the things you did and for all the things you didn't do.

I forgive you dad for all the things you did and all the things you didn't do.

Life wasn't totally kind to you either, and I see that now.  I can see you as a human being living your own life for the first time too.

It hasn't been easy being your daughter.  You have been harder on me when you didn't need to be.  You often made me feel unloved and unwanted.  But on occasion you did make me feel loved and wanted.

You were a very complicated man dad, and I wish I could have really gotten to know you.  I wish I had that opportunity and I wish you would have let me.

Thank you for always being there for me when it counted the most, I guess.  You always had an open-door policy, and we knew we were always invited over.  We knew we'd regret it, but we knew we were always welcome.  You were always available to talk, chat or come to my rescue on the side of the road.  Thank you for taking me and my baby in when I was 18 and mom kicked us both out.

I do love you, and I will miss you.  I am choosing to only remember the good things about you and what you've done.  I want your memory to remain in such a positive light in my heart that I smile when I think of you.

Rest easy dad, your fight is finally over.  I hope you found peace in Heaven that you couldn't find on Earth.

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Welcome Back!

As an adult, I have not been a church-going Christian.  I have, of course, always believed in God and always believed in the teachings I learned growing up in a church of Jesus and lived my life somewhat according to those teachings.  I have of course, strayed and sinned.  Recently, watching the spiritual growth of my oldest son and his wife, along with the ongoing spiritual growth of my oldest daughter and child, I have given much thought about my own life and my own afterlife.

I can only say, that during my adult life, I still pray at night daily, but I have moved away from praying at meal time and during special moments of my life for whatever reason.  The base and belief is there, but lack of support, education that is freely expressed, and dedication to be honest just haven't been there.

Today, along with Billy and Olivia, we watched church together and did bible study afterward.  I not only learned what I should be working on better, but I also learned that Billy is much more religious and knowledgeable than I ever knew or understood.  He also grew up in the church, having a grandfather who was a minister and a pretty devout mom.  It was refreshing that he participated and really expressed a lot of his own feelings that he has been having, and his thoughts on the bible and just learning more.  He even confessed to wanting to start a podcast where like-minded people could get together and discuss the bible as well as questions and thoughts people may have.

Olivia led the discussion, using the SOAP method, and it was a fun, enlightening experience.  I'd love to find an in-person church to attend-perhaps we even just go once a month to Gavin & Jennifer's house to attend an in-person sermon.

I hope I can be forthright with my Christianity and not a closet Christian out of being embarrassed that people will look down on me or question the reasons why I am turning more to the Lord and his teachings.  I am either around a lot of judgmental people or I am very insecure about my own thoughts, whichever one of those is the truth I hope to root it out and make a change either way.

I hope to express my thoughts on my blog, not for readers of course, because no one reads this thing, but it is a wonderful journal!

The great thing about God is that he is very welcoming and it doesn't matter how long you've been away, he is always there to welcome you back with open arms.  I am ready for this new adventure and new life.

Amen,

XOXO, Lela

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Moral High Ground

I can never take someone seriously when they post political rants or memes on social media that follow what they believe and want no one to say anything negative, but they will be the first within seconds to be snarky or try to block someone if they post the slightest thing they disagree with.

I can never respect someone who uses their political beliefs as a "moral high ground" while all they are doing is posting political rants or memes on social media and getting into typing wars (or trying to) with people who disagree with them.  This isn't the type of person who really brings anything to the table, except misery.  You can't even be friends with someone like this, let alone have a polite conversation with them.

I think maybe I could respect or understand a person like this if they were actually doing something with all that passion.  Like going to events, protests, donating money to a political cause, you know, something other than just posting shit and getting in online fights, then playing the victim when you piss someone off.

Someone said to me recently that some people in our family are lucky we are a kind and loving bunch.  But don't mistake our silence or laughing off the stupid shit as weakness - we just literally don't care enough about you to even try to figure out what your problem is.

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Things I wish I could/would have said.....

 There has been a relationship fracture between a family member and me recently, due to some public shaming on her part.  When I expressed how it made me feel, the part that was directed towards me, said person just turned the focus back on themselves, bragged about themselves and how great they are and basically told me my reasons were shit.  And that is fine, I remained respectful because one thing you will never catch me doing is poking a mentally ill person, or someone going through something hard, just to make myself feel better.  I do not sink lower.  I try to remain kind.  But over the years, I have started taking notes on my phone of things I wish I had said.  Here are just a few, in honor of my quiet falling out with a family member.

1. Why are you speaking to me this way?  Are you okay?
2. Adults are allowed to communicate frustration without it being considered a character flaw or personality disorder.
3. This is my life and I am going to live it the way that I want to, just as you do!
4. I am going to live my life how I want, and if you are not ok with that.  Bye.
5. Fuck off!
6. Fuck all the way off!!
7. I don't need you to understand how I live my life because I do not judge or understand yours.
8. If it costs me my peace, it is going to cost you my presence.
9. I do not need advice from a person who is living a life that is not the best example of anything!
10. After finding on a Christmas wish list "grandparents for my kids", I wish for a better son-in-law, but here we are!

xoxo, Lela

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Oh IDK.....

 Is it just me, or is it normal to want to just shave your entire head of hair and start from scratch?  The only reason I have not shaved my head alone in my house, like a sad sad loser, is because my oldest son just got engaged, and the rumor is that he will be getting married to his gorgeous fiancé in February 2026.  I cannot be bald for that I guess.  I want to look like a normal, non-crazy human for their photos.

Menopause has just caused me to have some strange texture, and strange feelings about said texture.  I literally cannot stand how my hair looks right now.  Not only is the texture off, but it is thinning and not just all over, but literally at the crown.  Anyway, the point is I feel very unattractive at the moment and it probably has zero to do with my stupid hair but all to do with the hormones being all nutso!

HELP!

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18 Days

I have been sober for 18 days.  It's not a very long time, but it's over two weeks.  To me, it's the longest time I have stopped drinking consecutively.  It is an accomplishment, and I am proud of myself.  I live among people who do not understand my struggle, and they want to minimize it or enhance it, but I am well aware of what it truly is, and I am working on that.

Today, I came out to my siblings that I am 18 days sober.  My sister, who is an alcoholic, said "good job" in one sentence and then said "why?" in another.  I said Well because I don't want to be an alcoholic, and she said, "Yeah, but why.....jk".  It really put me instantly in a bad mood.  Why do people have to defend why they decided not to drink anymore?  If I were a crack addict, would they say the same thing?  "Why are you giving up crack?"

I would never say that to someone who is struggling, but maybe she doesn't know I am struggling because I do my drinking in private, and it never involves anyone else.  It's not dramatic, and I don't cause issues or problems for anyone when I am drinking.

I don't get into fights with people.  I don't piss myself and get lost and have to have my parents come get me.  I don't run off to a bar, drunk, and back into my child's car while other family members are trying to prevent me from leaving.

It is disheartening to know that your family cannot support you.  Not in the way you need, so I guess I have to distance myself from them even further-which sucks because we are already pretty distant.

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